#5 – Make a face mask that reads “if you can read this, you’re too close.”
Clever. Stern. Cute? As soon as the offending shopper reaches the end of your sentence, they’ll be sure to take two steps back now y’all. Hell, they may even go home and make one for themselves. Sometimes words speak louder than actions.
#4 – Pretend that you used to date them, and they ended it. No, you ended it.
Wow, awkward. You can’t go near them with all that history between you two. One run-in and now you’re expected to catch up? Now? After they ignored you at a mutual friend’s birthday party? No. No. There’s another route to the ice cream freezer, past the salads. Take that.
#3 – Try making one of these*
I have a strange feeling that the personality traits of someone who would wear this are more repelling than the actual noodle hat itself. Either way, kudos sir. Kudos.
*provided by shutupandtakemymoney.com
#2 – Try to break the hula hoop world record: 74 hours and 54 minutes. A few things will happen:
A. You claim the world title from that brat, Jenny Doan.
B. Nobody can come within a hula hoop distance of you.
C. Your sweat and grunts (coming in around hour 4) will disgust others.
D. Congrats on the abs.
Note: This will take over 3 days. We recommend submitting PTO now.
#1 – Try Onions. Onions around your neck.
Loved ones can be the hardest to distance from. A simple onion necklace will keep everyone away. Even your mother. Especially your mother-in-law.